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Special K

Got bored so I started writing. This is a very rough demo of it, as I wanted to record the melody playing in my head before my memory fails me and I forget. I was going to delete this right away from SoundCloud, but I couldn’t be fucked. Here it is in all it’s awful glory. Hope you all don’t end up cringing too much.

A Change In The Weather

Toad the Wet Sprocket – Crazy Life

Anyway now, it don’t seem right
He is in there and you’re on the outside
Over pine ridge to wounded knee
There’s blood on the ground as far as you see
Crazy life

In the air I’m sensing a change in the weather
In the end the path is clear
Does anyone remember here
Did you all think he’d just disappear
Crazy life
What have you done with Peltier
Who did you think you’d taken away
Crazy life

In the air I’m sensing a change in the weather
In the end the path is clear

Burying won’t stop it breathing forever
Underground it takes to root

Anyway, it don’t seem right
He is in there and you’re on the outside
What have you done with Peltier
Who did you think you’d taken away
It’s not over

~.~

I had the same dream again. That’s three weeks in a row now. Not every single night, mind you. Just a night or so each week. I must admit that it’s beginning to get to me. I wish I knew what I could do about it, but I really don’t. It’s like an itch that I just can’t get to no matter how hard I try. So here I am at seven in the morning nursing my first coffee of the day, just trying to clear my head about everything. I have a few big decisions ahead of me coming soon and I don’t really need the bullshit.

The Aaron Hernandez case has piqued my interest lately. It’s difficult to fathom how a successful young man who had his whole life ahead of him could do something so stupid. He reached his dream of being in the NFL doing what he loves. Forget the millions of dollars. That’s not what’s really important. It’s everything else that matters.

Just imagine yourself as a kid and dreaming of what you want to be when you grow up. At first you do it for fun. It’s something you enjoyed and it slowly takes up more of your time. By the time you’re in high school, you realise that you’re actually pretty good and could perhaps be a serious career choice. You begin to take your interest more seriously and do what’s necessary to get even better. It’s a compulsion. A sudden desire to do whatever it takes to get there. It becomes a big part of who you are as an individual. If you could make it or not, that’s entirely up to you.

Now, imagine waking up somewhere knowing you could no longer do what you love. That part of you is no longer valid. You fucked up. You dropped the ball, mate.  Everything that you identify with about yourself is now gone. You will have to live the rest of your life knowing everything has changed. I find that thought terrifying.

I, too, had my own aspirations and dreams as a kid. I remember wanting to be a comic book artist for the big two companies, Marvel and DC Comics. Silly, eh? I was pretty serious with it for a while, too. I remember spending all those lazy days just doodling on my notebook when I should really have been listening in class. It was basically an obsession for me at the time. It was what I wanted to be. I had my chance to go to a prestigious graphic arts school which focused on the comic medium as an art form, but I blew it. Things changed after, of course. Life happened. I then threw away my art books and my pencils and notebooks. I haven’t drawn since.

Now, at the age of thirty three, I find myself at a crossroads once more. To try to find something which will make me feel that way again. I need something which I know I could be good at. Something I’ll enjoy, or at least not hate. I don’t want to be stuck in the same cubicle, waiting until time has further silvered my locks. For me, that’s just another form of prison.

Tentacles, Barnacles, All My Favourite Monsters Here With Me

The Bananas – Nautical Theme

Memories from the sea
On a tempest
Still haunting me
Visions from a breathless dream
Go down with the ship into the deep

Once I heard your siren song
I was crushed upon the ocean
But I labored all along
Under one misguided notion
That you’d come back to me
Come walking in my cabin

Tentacles, barnacles
All my favorite monsters
Here with me
Nautical rock n roll
Everything was going swimmingly

Then I heard your siren song
I was crushed upon the ocean
But I labored all along
Under one misguided notion
That you’d come back to me
Come walking in my cabin

Beneath the waves, with my mermaid
We had some kicks, and some fishsticks
Then she swam away from me
Forever

Once I heard your siren song
I was crushed upon the ocean
But I labored all along
Under one misguided notion
That you’d come back to me
I’ll go walking in my cabin
And you’ll be sitting there

~.~

Life’s been pretty good lately. Things have been quiet, but exciting enough to keep things rolling, anyway. My son’s doing well in school and is relatively healthy. I can’t really ask for anything more. His past two test results have come back with perfect marks, and I couldn’t be happier. I decided to reward him with a bunch of new video games to play.

I only introduced my son to video games this year. I figured I might as well get him into it as i was about the same age when I got into video games. We spent a chunk of the weekend just laughing and playing on the consoles. I heard the laughter and saw the glee on my son’s face as he played his games. It made me think back of those fond memories playing Mario on our old neighbour’s Superfamicom system way back. Playing the newer games now with my son, i was surprised at how much I enjoyed them still. It’s been decades since I last played a Mario game, let alone finishing one, but after a few levels of playing Super Mario 3D World, I was pretty much hooked, myself. I looked forward to playing the games by myself, almost as much as I did playing them with my son.

I see a few good things about exposing my son to video games. I’ve noticed that he looks forward to doing his chores, homework, and having dinner, hoping that I’d let him play his games after. Considering how difficult it’s been to make him eat lately, I definitely thought this was a welcome change. Also, in the multi-player games like Mario Kart 8, I noticed that he’s becoming more and more competitive when I play against him. He doesn’t like it when I win, almost as bad when he finishes last. I see the concentration on his face when I tell him to try harder and aim for that number one spot. Good stuff, yeah?

Though life can’t always be peaches. There are some downsides to this as well. When he’s on his console playing games. he’s so immersed into his video games that he pretty much shuts everything out. This could prove to be particularly annoying when I have to talk to him about something. I also worry that he might get too hooked into gaming and see that it might affect his attention span and schooling. Which is pretty much the reason why I’ve been limiting his time playing as well.

~.~

He’s getting older now, about to turn six in a few months. He asked me about his mum again this week. Who she is, what is she like, what she does, where she’s at, and why she’s not here with us. I couldn’t really answer all of his questions, but I tried to explain things to him as best as I could without hurting him, or corrupting his view on his mum. I just let him know that she loves him very much, and that she would be right here right now for him if she could. That he should be happy for her and for himself despite it all.

I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job as a parent. I sometimes wonder if I’m sheltering him too much from this topic. He deserves to know his mum, of course, but it’s pretty difficult when she’s not around. I showed him a photo of his mum once, and he told me that he doesn’t really remember her anymore. I found this saddens me, but at the same time, I thought that it’s probably for the best. It will allow him to not worry about what he’s missing out on. Hopefully he’ll focus on the what we have instead. It’s times like these that I bring out the consoles and invite him for a few rounds on his favourite games. They’re a welcome distraction for when I am at a loss on how to explain things. I’m an awful parent, I know.

~.~

I would like to end this entry by giving a shoutout to Off-Tape Chronicles, whose punk rock / garage mixtapes I’ve been enjoying lately. If you’re into that fuzzy lo-fi sound with plenty of energy and great hooks, I recommend you checking out his site.

Fuck yeah, Kintsugi!

Death Cab for Cutie – No Room in Frame

I don’t know where to begin
There’s too many things that I can’t remember
As I disappeared like a trend
In the hum of the 5 in the early morning

And now I’m taking my time
Up through Coalinga through the valley
This highway lived in my mind
It takes me back to the place that made me

Was I in your way
When the cameras turned to face you?
No room in frame
For two

You cannot outrun a ghost
Speeding south bound lanes with abandon
It catches you on the coast
Or on the cliffs of the Palisades you killed the engine

And then it hovers above
Reeling bodies failing to discover
The thing they once knew as love
Raising their voices to convince one another

Was I in your way
When the cameras turned to face you?
No room in frame
For two

How can I stay
In the sun
When the rain flows
All through my veins
It’s true

And I guess it’s not a failure we could help
And we’ll both go on to get lonely with someone else
With someone else

Was I in your way
When the cameras turned to face you?
No room in frame
For two

How can I stay
In the sun
When the rain flows
All through my veins
It’s true

And I guess it’s not a failure we could help
And we’ll both go on to get lonely with someone else

~.~

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold, silver, and other precious metals. While other forms of repair-work attempt to restore the broken piece of pottery to its’ original form, kintsugi often highlights the cracks and broken pieces with precious metals, turning something broken into something beautiful again.

~.~

My mates would often poke at my sides and say that I could be emotional at times. They often say that I’m full of “drama”, whatever they mean by that. This is the way I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you’ll likely get. You could take me at face value and wouldn’t have to worry if I’ve got anything up my sleeves. I’m a terrible liar, and have the worst poker face on the planet. I’m quite easy to read, really. If I’m happy or upset with how things are going, you wouldn’t have to ask me. You would simply be able to tell. I sometimes wonder if that’s such a bad thing. I believe that these thoughts I put into words are important enough to me for you to hear me out. To understand the way I feel or see things from my point of view. I don’t just blurt things out on a whim. I usually put a lot of thought into things before bringing them up. I know I could be an asshole, but, more often than not, my friends could count on me to say things as I see them, not as they want to hear. They’re not simply “dramas”. They are hints that I care enough about you to let them bother me.

kintsugi

There are things which are simply beyond repair. Perhaps, not in our conventional way of thinking, anyway. Much like in friendships and other forms of relationships, when things just don’t work out the way we want them to be, we could simply either accept things for what they were and move on, or learn to appreciate what we had in a different way, scars and all. Kintsugi. Or maybe it’s just a fancy way of saying money could fix anything haha.

~.~

Kintsugi is also the title of the upcoming Death Cab for Cutie album out at the end of the month. I’ve already made my pre-orders via Warner Music Australia. Get your pre-orders done, too, to make sure that you guys don’t miss out.

    Death Cab for Cutie's 8th full-length release, Kintsugi, available at the end of March.

Oh well

I heard this song today. It made me recall of those late summer nights from the early late 90’s to early 2000’s. The ones that, at the time, were never to end. We were all so young and so dumb. The binge-drinking, the parties til the wee hours of the morning, the, hazy mornings afterwards. Ahh good times. This here’s a terrible song. It’s terribly sappy, and cringe-inducing, but I love it anyway for what it reminds me of. Those carefree days of my ill-spent youth haha.

I’m Not Going To Say It

I would much rather just do it.

For a while there I thought it would be different.

I thought wrong, I guess.

Wish me luck.

When Things Were Simple

Sad Song

by: Au Revoir Simone

Play me a sad song because
That’s what I want to hear.
I want you to make me cry.
I want to remember the places that we left,
Lost to the mists of time.

I know that you’ll go soon.
You’ll find out so take me with you always.

On buses that move through the night
We sleep on and on.
We got off at Memphis, black-top heat will make us thirsty.
We’ll never get sick anymore.

Funny how things could change so quickly. I was so fond of those simpler times. Sometimes I wonder why I had to change it all. I’m no fool. Then it hit me: I’m just an idiot, your common asshole.  I’m the reason why I am where I stand today. Nobody’s fault. but my own.

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